I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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