be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
