I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
