life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
