I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
