Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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