Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Acid is not a monday night drug
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Two words: nipple clamps
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