At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Randomize
