You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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