Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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