so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
