True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Randomize
