Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Watching her eat just hurts me
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
