I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
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