you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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