I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
