i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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