I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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