I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
