While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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