Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
