There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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