Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
