just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Randomize
