I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize