then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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