WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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