the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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