You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
