Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Randomize
