How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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