Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
