My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
