oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
