If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I am one with the molecules
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
