giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
