I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize