Cold hands, warm shart.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
