Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
