Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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