How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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