too bad you live with your parents still
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize