fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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