Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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