Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
