3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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