You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
