3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
