mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
