I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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