I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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