On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
