this beer tastes like vomit already
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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