some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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