I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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