There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Randomize
