So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
