So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
